Release.

so, i still don't know what to do.

people keep telling me things and i see their point. they tell me the logical thing to do is leave. should I be the reason he is happy? Since I can't get him out of his depression, is that a reflection of how he feels about me and the impact i have on his life? are we over?

they tell me to leave, bc even if you get back together, you don't know how long you'll last from then. but does that mean we'll end again if we even get back to gether, is that even an indication that we won't make it work in the future?

i want to stay. my heart hurts but i can't bring myself to leave. but then again, love can make us do stupid things.

i have so many questions. but i doin't want to anymore. i'm placing it all in God's hands and i will accept anything that happens. faith.
<3

i can't sleeep.
i miss his touch.
i miss his warmth.
i miss feeling him.
i miss my baby.

this is killing me.
i don't know what to do, i don't know what to feel.

i want to stay, and i'm going to wait as long as possible.
but this pain is killer. i thought i'd be numb by now, but apparently not.

ughuhguhg.
sleeping is the hardest thing to do knowing that when i wake up, he won't be there.

if you don't vote."

Lately, I've come to terms with this quote. Basically, you can't bitch about it if you didn't do anything to end it/help it. I mean I've been the person who complained but didn't do anything to help resolve it and I accept blame for that. But I've change my ways and realized not saying anything is ultimately worst than saying anything at all. If you don't say anything, you have no right to bitch and moan about the problem because you did nothing to resolve it. However, there is a fine line to that statement to where if you say too much you just are being a bitchy person and not accepting/dealing with it.

Life is packed with those fine lines. The fine print at the end of every contract. You never know when you're overcrossing them or not even in close proximity. I find it a bit ironic and comical.

Being alone in the apartment isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I havent' had time to be by myself and I forgot how much I enjoy it. I love being with people but I also love being alone. It gives you your own personal space to do your own thing with no concerns for anything else. It's relaxing and a breath of fresh air.

I want to get out there, into the world. I'm ready to be this spectacular person who makes differences in peoples lives. I want to live in the city where every day seems like an adventure. Ok, so maybe that's just a cliche and how it seems it movies. But it sure as heck beats an apartment in Tallahassee, FL where not much can be done besides school work.

I think I'm just getting tired of my life in the moment. I get into these times, where I just want a change. Not so much a big change, but a change of pace. I've been crushed underneath piles of work for school that I feel like I need to get out again. I need excitment. I need more than chemical equations and animal phylum. I need more.

I know that eventually all this work will pay off. But sometimes I just want time off to go out and be a young woman in the world. To be wreckless, to be wild. To live in the moment not caring what it will bring me. I guess, I just want to rid myself of responsibility for a day. For one day, do what I want, when I want it. Stress and drama free. I don't want to have to think about my actions. I want to feel and impulse and just go do it. I want to live in the movies.

I love day dreaming. How fun would it be to have your own soundtrack. To see your life from the view of another person, like a movie. To have music play at the appropriate times. To feel infinite. Those times are rare, but when they happen. They sure are amazing.

Ok, so I've gone down a bazillion different roads on this post.
Until next time...

Make your own soundtrack.
Walk to your own beat.
Be reasonable and conscious of your surroundings.
Think of others.
Love
Live
& be Happy
no period needed.

So father's day weekend was amazing.

Friday just chilled at home surrounded by friends.

Saturday laid around with Ryan. Quality bonding time with him and my dog, Bruno. It was wonderful. Ryan copied Bruno and they both lied on my legs as we watched T.V. It makes me feel great to be loved like that. As if I'm truly needed. I think people need these kinds of moments to make them feel human, to make life worthwhile. It's what keeps me going in life. To feel needed and in turn make people feel needed. I mean I don't always show it, but I really need everybody that I keep in my life. I usually extracate the people I don't.

Kung Fu Panda did not rub Ryan the right way. He was not having it. lol Personally, I liked it. It was a fun day except for the part when a woman with her 2 kids gave Lance and I dirty looks as if Ryan was our kid. I hate that. Like really? I mean I know it was the most likely thing that he was our child, but still. Where has benefit of the doubt gone? And if so, wouldn't you be proud of a young couple being able to raise their kid out in a good way. Take them out. Heck 15 years ago that was the norm having kids at young ages. But I digress.

We celebrated Nicola's birthday that night at Biscottis. It was a nice dinner. I think it was an eye opener for her about guys. I really hope she finds a good guy soon. She deserves it. And Jb. Like, it's been too long. He's on my list as the number 1 person that deserves somebody. Oh brother. How I love him.

Sunday was my favorite day. Father's day. I slept at my Dad's house for the first time in forever and it truly felt like home. Like my mom's house is home to me too because she's there. But my Dad's house is the one that I grew up in, and I know the ins and outs of that house like the back of my hand. Just the atmosphere and the smell in that place calms me down.

After church and lunch at Cheesecake Factory, we went back home and just hung out. I played tea party with Erica and forced myself to stay awake for her sake. She's the cutest girl ever. Children are so innocent it's great. Anyways, we just chilled made make-believe milkshakes and dressed up in tiaras and jewelry. I put on the fake make-up and it made me feel like I was 6 again. Ahh! Great memories =]

Anyway, I loved our day at home.

Most people would've thought it was boring but to my family it's the best just being able to relax knowing we're altogether as a family. I realized I got that part of me from my Dad. The part where I don't care for drinking, smoking or going out and who really enjoys just being at home or a place that's comfortable. Being a homebody doing whatever I enjoy to do in the comfort of my home. My Dad taught me to enjoy the simplicity of life. Like getting joy out of seeing a small seed begin to sprout, coming out of the soil. Or just sitting at home, in the company of friends and family. So I dont' consider myself boring like I've heard people say, but rather I like being simple. Adding too many distractions causes one to lose sight of the important things in life.

I'm going to pick up gardening. I've already picked up cross-stitching again. These things bring me back to earth. Life is thriving all around us and taking the time to notice it and appreciate its beauty is very humbling. And I'm thankful to all my friends who understand me and take me for who I am. They don't push me to do things I don't want to do and don't judge me.

I'm lucky and I'm loving life.
I can feel this is a start of something good.

Sidenote: I'm glad Vy and I talked things out. My fault for not talking about it. But I feel like things are getting better and it makes me happy. =]

Why is it that with age more complications arise? Some would rationalize, that since we gain more wisdom and insight on life as we grow older, we can handle things better. But no, with every birthday, alongside some newly gained wisdom, comes more complications. Then again, how complicated can drinking from a bottle, pooping in a diaper, and sharing your toys be?
I wish things were simpler. Simplicity is absolutely wonderful because it leaves only a little room for complicatiosn to sneak in. Like with friends, I tend to stick to a small crowd, boys mostly becaues they don't deal with the bullshit. You do something idiotic, or stupid and they call your ass out and its not taken as if they're being "bitchy" ignoring the fact that there was a reason they opened their mouth in the first place. They talk, flat out, everything on the table and it's listened to. But, then again, I love being a social butterfly because who doesn't like having a lot of friends? It's an amazing feeling to love and be loved in return.
Lately, I've been feeling weird, acting weird. Things have come up and I'm changing as a person. The people I use to turn to and confide in have changed and I find myself making my inner circle of confidees (is that even the word?) smaller and smaller. It's upsetting because I don't know if its me or if its truly just the fact that they weren't meant to be in my life. Like I want to branch out not necessarily replace the people in my inner circle, but add to the people that surround it. If that makes any sense at all. You feel lonely when you have too small of an inner circle, I mean I know it's all about quantity not quality.
And how does one go out there and just find people to be friends with. I always end up with the short end of the stick being surrounded by people I can't relate to. Hell, some of the people I do talk to in my classes I don't even know their names! Maybe I should join a club, I mean isn't one of the main purposes of those things to meet new people that share a common interest with you. I guess that's where it has to start.
I don't know. I'm in a rut and I want to get out of it. I want to return to the time in my life where it felt perfect. A great boyfriend, a great circuit of girlfriends, and my bff. I still have the other two, but the middle section is dwindling and I didn't even know. How do you not catch on to these things? I mean on a positive note, my old homeboys are coming back in to my life. The guys that were my rocks in the midst of a horrible storm. I lost them for a while, but yet we foudn our way back to one another. Who knows, maybe this is temporary and things will change.

I'm hopeful.
I need to be.

Last night was quite eventful.

After cleaning the apartment spotless, it was raided by my family and friends. But they made it all worthwhile going crazy in the apartment. So many times in the night I swore my neighbors were going to come slamming on my door screaming at me for ruining their beauty slip.

60 Beers, 1 1/2 bottles of wine, and a few shots of liquor later the music died down but the laughter continued. Being surrounded by people you love is the greatest feeling and I'm starting to understand how it works better each day.

I love it when Ate Shane and Jb visits, it's always a great time and it reminds me of how blessed I am to have such great family. We aren't truly related by blood, except JB, and we don't have to like each other, but we do. And it's these people, those that have been there for me for years, through all the bullshit, through all the fighting, and through all the disagreements that show me good people are out there. Yea, we get to points where we may hate eachother, but it's only momentarialy. They make me a better person by bringing out the good qualities in me and making me lose the bad ones. I can be totally wrong, they can make me feel like ass, but they can bring me back in a second because I know they love me.

Those whom I consider my family are those who I truly accept and bring close to me. I may not talk to them for months at a time, but it doesn't matter because when we're together/talk it feels like no time has passed. I respect them because they are truly good people. We all make mistakes, and that's fine, and it may just be because I am biased since I love them eternally and will forgive them for whatever they do. But they all have so many friends, and everybody loves them.

I mean, who else could I honestly enjoy my lif with, sitting in a circle, acting like hippies asking question like "Who would you rather be stuck on an island with, a woman with a penis or a man with a vagina?"

Oh, my life is wonderful.
They are my Get Out of Jail Free card.

Love,
Soy Sauce (BBQ, Teryiaki, Ginger, SweetnSour, Alfredo)

OK. so enough about my boy life and onto the people that help me get through this world. I like to call these people Angels because Angels are those that guide you and help you, right?

My family is jam-packed with Angels. Mom, Dad, Tita Carol, JB, Ryan and Erica. They are my closest ones but I have them across the Pacific in the motherland too! Nanay, Tatay, Mama Nene, Ninang Min and Susie and so many more. These angels raised me from infancy. Supporting me. Loving me. And even though I may treat them like junk, they are the reasons I live.

My mother is my inspiration. She's gone to hell and back and yet she's still strong and successful. I'm difficult and she still loves me unconditionally giving me the essentials to survive from money to wisdom. Woman's got me covered.

Dad. Tough love kind of father, but he's the best at coming in those right moments when I need him the most. Most people don't understand him because of that, but I do and that's all that matters. He's corny, it's where I get it from. Mmm, fathers. They are a mystery all in themselves.

Brother bear. Jb. My go-to-guy for advice. And not the bull shit kind where I hear what I want, but the real shit. The real, nitty gritty, tear gushing advice. But I love him, he's the one person I know who's always there when I need it.

Tita Carol. Homegirl is a great stepmom. For the years that I needed that mother figure, or that person to talk to my father, she was there. If I was in deep shit, or needed a straight answer, she'd be there for me. And even now, she's cooking me food to bring to my apartment. Which is amazing cos then I don't need to cook AND the food's absolutely DELICIOUS.

Erica is the cutest little sister in the world. She reminds me of the joys in the small things and how it was to see the world as a child. Even though it sucks that I'm a good 12 years older than her so I can't really see her a lot nor bond with her. I hope that one day when she's old enough, I can teach her things and help her through those rough times.

Ryan, oh Ryan. He's frustrating but that person you can never be mad at. He's too cute. He makes me laugh in ways only he can. He's just so full of life and makes me realized the important things like patience and joy. I hope that I can help him become the great person he is destined to be far away from and 13 years his elder.

My Philippine angel's love me from miles away. They raised me and taught me things that I've kept with me to this day. I will never forget them even as their time on this earth ends, they will continue to be my angels from the place they truly belong, heaven.

So, that's not all of them. But, I do have to retire for the night. But it's a long day tomorrow and I can write more.